From the Ether

Errors.

2008-11-24T16:00:00.000-08:00

I am one of those people who think they can never do wrong, they rarely make any mistakes, and they think they know what is best in every situation and how to deal with people.
Mostly, HAHA, I think I can say that is true.
But lately I have done all the possible mistakes one can do in a relationship and I do not know can I do anything to help the situation or will everything what I say or do from now on just make things worse.
It does not help that the other person is not really well.

People are eager to give their two cents about things, and I am not different. My motto is: "do as I say, not as I do", which basically sums up that I rarely take my own advice, and then just do something stupid.
But I have noticed that I cannot receive anyone's advice now. People say you should do this and this. But they don't know what I know and feel. So fuck it. I can do as I please.
Well-meaning people just sometimes tires me out. I want to be in peace. You cannot cheer me up, I can only do it, if I decide to it, but first I would need to be able to decide that. And I am not capable for that. I am so tired. Mentally and physically. All the time. I have cancelled meetings with my friends because I cannot bear to be with them now. There are only few people who really know what is going on with me, and they do not make feel more pressured about things. I can be as sad as I want to be. I don't need to pretend I can hold myself together if it feels like everything is falling apart.

The evening time is something I always dread. It is the worst time for me. From 10pm to until I am able to finally sleep is just awful for me. That is for several reasons, one being I do not sleep well alone in bed. All the dark thoughts, all the sadness which I have managed to keep in bay during daytime arrives. That has fucked up my sleeping pattern. I stay awake as long as I can, and then sleep until the afternoon, which is not good because I love mornings. The day is still ahead, I have not fucked up anything yet. Tomorrow I luckily have a good reason to get up early otherwise I would sleep all day, and then be miserable when the evening arrives. I hope I could skip sleeping totally, and well skip preferable straight to morning. I have not tried sleeping pills, I eat pills enough already, and I don't think that will help me really. I am not happy at the moment, one can say is people ever happy, but I have been happy, and now I am just sad all the time. I am saying to myself every day that I get through this, I get through this, I must just be strong, and eventually all will be better.

It is just so damn hard, and I don't know can I trust myself to hang in here.And don't anyone say to me be glad of sunshine or something like that. I don't fucking need that kind of bullshit caring.
I am going to now try to get sleep, which might not happen easily so the long hours of night are ahead before is morning. I hate this.
I so hate this.

On Psychology

2008-07-10T13:27:00.000-07:00

I called in sick to work today. I really didn't want, nor did I mean to. I woke up fine and dandy at 6am, giving me ample time to get ready, but I then fell back to sleep and didn't wake up until there was five minutes to go before my shift started. My sleeping patterns have been horrendously varied recently, and I don't like that. I called into work telling them I'd be around an hour late, but on reflection decided I couldn't really do a day's work in the mind-frame I was in, so I called back - this time getting through to my Manager- and told him that due to food poisoning I would fail to make an appearance.

I called the doctors' as soon as I'd put the phone down on my Manager. I don't know why it dawned on me today, but I decided that enough was enough. The lady on the reception at the doctors' kept me on hold for 12 minutes before telling me that in order to book an appointment for tomorrow or Wednesday (my days off this week) I'd need to call up on the same day to book an appointment. I hung up. Being prepared for tomorrow or Wednesday was fine, but going to this appointment was a big deal for me, and I didn't think I'd be fully ready today. Instead I went into town.

I had no agenda in town whatsoever; I had no need nor reason to be there, and meandered aimlessly, hitting McDonald's for lunch I can't really afford, and then various banks for personal loans (money worries - I have now reached the stage where I'm in a new house without having paid the deposit or first rent payment), and then the bus back. It was on the way, or maybe beforehand, I can't remember, that I decided that - fuck it - I was going to go to the doctors'.

I went in and made the appointment 45 minutes in advance. I went to the churchyard that had seated my behind on many occasions during my friendship with [Insert Friend Name X], and sat there and smoked and sent various messages to Sarah. I went back in to wait for my appointment and waited for what seemed like an hour. It was more like 8 minutes, but I was as nervous as hell.

For those of you who know me, or have talked to me at length, you'll know that my personality flickers between "alright" and "utter hopeless." I get really intense downers that leave me drained and thoroughly unhappy, and I've been a self harmer for around six years, which is when I can remember and attribute the badness starting. This has generally been your common or garden cutting of the flesh, which has been based mainly on my left forearm, and my right and left shoulders. Recently, however, I have been scraping my hands on walls to draw blood, and have, in the past, burned myself on matches. I actually went to hospital last week on fear of a broken metacarpal when I punched the wall in frustration. I'd merely bruised it, but my middle right knuckle is still a lot larger and squishier than I would like it to be.

Upon my mother's recommendation (she is a sufferer of depression) I went to see a doctor back in 2004, who most helpfully told me to get out more and make new friends. This, of course, made me feel worse. But anyway, it was that first doctor who first put me off seeing medical practitioners at all. Subsequent trips about various other ills have proved just as fruitless, and the medical practitioners in question equally as - in my humble opinion of course - incompetent.

I don't know why now, but I went for it anyway. The doctor asked me questions about how I was feeling, and based on the results I apparently rank quite highly in the depressive stakes. She diagnosed me with depression and recommended both chemical and cognitive therapy. I sit at my computer now with a box of citalopram at my side, and an order to go back when they're done to discuss counselling, which they're to give me for free.

I'm not sure where I stand on either result. The pills... I'm really rather wary of them, despite my readiness to purchase them at £7.10. The side effects are slightly horrifying, and the fact that they will, without doubt, change my neurochemistry and as such myself as a person does put me off a little. The counselling I'm simply not a fan of. I'm sure it helps some people, but I can't see it helping me. I'm a private individual, despite the blog here, and talking face to face to someone about my inner workings sounds like neither fun nor games. I'm really not sure what to do.

You know, I thought that once I'd been told it was definite, that I actually suffered from clinical depression after years of assumption and speculation, that I would actually feel something, like relief or sadness or resignation or something. I don't feel anything. Now, however, I have a choice.

Confused

2008-02-25T15:32:00.000-08:00

I am in a relationship and have been for two years.
I love this relationship, I love him.
But we both suffer from depression etc.
And this means I am pushing him away and he is becoming clingy.
It isn't a good combination.
I wish I didn't push him away.
But I am sick of hurting him.
Oops.
I lie to him about how I feel.
I get easily fustrated when he tells me how he feels, because sometimes I don't understand it.
But that isn't his fault.
The more depressed I feel the more bitchy I am to him.
I am sick of being a moody, bitchy person.
I am sick of feeling so low and taking it out on others.
But I don't know how to change.
It scares me.

Why?

2008-02-20T06:38:00.000-08:00

Why has this site not been used since last year?
I don't get that.
This site helped me a lot when I posted it, and it's sad that no one used it anymore.
Has no one got anything to say?
I doubt that very much.
I know that I want to just scream that I'm not okay.
I want to smash things, throw things, scream and rant.
But I can't.
So maybe this can be my refuge again.
So, I welcome myself back.
And I doubt this will even be read.

One thing I should learn:

2007-06-22T15:21:00.001-07:00

Never argue about anything of importance with the step parent. Cos he makes all my opinions sound like they are incorrect and he cannot even comprehend the fact that I may have more knowledge of a subject than he does. He never accepts that my opinions may be valid, and yet the things he say anger me so much that I feel I have to argue back. Arguments with him make me feel so shit.
ARGH.

hmmm

2007-05-26T15:13:00.000-07:00

This isn't meant to be secret or anything, I've just been thinking about some stuff and I don't think it's anything I could ever come to a conclusion about, I just wanted to write it down.
I've never been one for worrying, really, I mean, I'm young, what does it matter? And I've never been the kind of person who could be swayed from what they wanted to do by other people, especially when it's clear the other people aren't entirely... sane? (I can't think of a better word, I don't actually know anyone who is truly insane!)
I'm just amazed at how people who have so much in common, or at least did at one point, can have such a different outlook on life. And why someone who, to me at least, has no reason to be so insecure, is.
It really gets to me. I know, I know, it's not me, but it's people I care about, and I just don't understand how they can think what they're doing is normal and they're actually gonna end up happy. Don't get me wrong, I hope they are, I just can't see it coming..
Whoever's reading this might just think I should mind my own business, but I care about these people, they're my friends, and sorry to sound selfish, but they WILL expect me to be there to pick up the pieces when it all goes wrong yet again, and sometimes I just think 'why should I?' I know that's horrible, and I would always be there, I just wish people would sometimes listen to their friends or family, or whoever it is, just take it into the smallest consideration?
Enjoy yourself while you're young, life's much too short.

I Quit!

2007-05-22T14:30:00.000-07:00

Fuck it! Its as simple as just not doing anything, its as easy as quitting, thats exactly what it is, its something i hate, something i despise, something that makes me miserable, so no qualms about quitting. I have no money, no job lined up, no place to live and no people to not live there with, i have really strong feelings for someone who has really strong feelings for me (confirmed) but nothing can ever happens for reasons ridiculous (confirmed). Im unhappy, really really stay in bed and cry unhappy, yet just quitting fills me with relief, its freedom of a sort, the change from having no control over your days to being in control of your choices. I truly couldnt give a flying ducky towards the obvious problems that it will cause in the long term because right now im happy that i am quitting. For so long i didnt even see that there was an option, but now its blindingly clear. and i am happy. i havent felt happiness for a long time.

I quit!

Self Harm

2007-04-29T03:20:00.000-07:00

I really don't think I need it anymore.
I'm still as messed up as always, but I can cry.
And I do, almost every day.
The urges to cut are still there but it's getting easier to resist them.
I'm too scared to say this out loud in case it turns out not to be true.
But I think I can finally cope without self harm.

food

2007-04-06T12:37:00.000-07:00

i can't deal with this. i can't.
i can't bear to keep eating when i can feel the fat pilling on with every bite.
i'm not slim, not skinny, i'm disgusting and my parents are forcing me to eat massive meals.
if they carry on i'm gonna refuse to eat at all. just stop and live on liquids. why why why won't they let me control my own body, why won't they let me skinny? skinny is perfect, skinny is beautiful. oh god oh god i need to throw up but they're listening, they'll know. shit shit what to do. i wanna be skin and bone, light as a feather, i wanna see my ribcage again. i was getting there and then i was weak, i gave up, thought i needed food. i don't. i ned control. i need nothing. fat and worthless. now all i wanna do is throw up, cut myself to pieces and cry. thanks alot parents. stay the fuck outta my life!
(no replies needed or expected i'm just pissed off)

Stuck

2007-03-28T16:15:00.000-07:00

I have a faint idea of what I want to do in life. The problem: parents. They'd rather I didn't go abroad because I should be paying for my keep rather than a gap year. They don't want me to volunteer even though it could be a way into the job I want. And yet they don't have a problem with me going to uni and accumulating loads of debt. WHAT THE FUCK? I'm so sick of my money orientated family. To them it doesn't matter whether I'm happy or not in what I do as long as it pays well.
So what do I do?
I have no support at all, very little motivation to even get out of bed never mind plan how to convince my family that money isn't the only important thing in life.
Am I so selfish for wanting a job I'd enjoy? According to the family, yes. Is it selfish for them to want me to give up going abroad and volunteering either abroad or here so I can pay my keep? To them, no it's not. To me, it is, cos I'd pay my keep anyway. But to them, charity begins at home so I shouldn't bother volunteering even though it's what I want to do.
So I'll give up what I want to do. Cos clearly I'm selfish and need to sacrifice my happiness so mum can get a few more quid a week.
Fuckin hell.

i'm still here

2007-03-25T12:56:00.000-07:00

i have no idea why i'm writing this but i needed it to be...somewhere.
i was planning on killing myself tommorrow.
i had everything sorted out, every detail down to what i'd wear planned and something stupid, trivial made me change my mind. made me decide to hang on a little longer.
things are no better, i'm not happy all of a sudden but i'm not going to die tommorrow and i thought that needed recording somewhere because no-one has any idea i'm suicidal. dying inside and fighting so hard to still be here. i feel so so alone but i'm trying.
that's it really. writing an anonymous message to no-one in particular and not needing any replies or anything, just to say. i'm alive, even if i don't want to be.

See

2007-03-19T14:29:00.000-07:00

the reason i dont talk about my problems to anyone is because no one has any real advice to give me that isnt ridiculous cliched bullshit about how i should get over it and i have no reason to be unhappy and life is for living; alternatively there are those who just smile and touch my shoulder and say awwww and hope that that is enough to make me forget my self involved bullshit and go on to lead a very happy life thank you very much have a nice day.

truth is its all bollocks. of course i have no reason to be unhappy. i live an alright life, have some amazing friends, manage, etc.

and self harm's all bullshit anyway, it doesnt make you feel better it just makes you think shit im bleeding which is rubbish. and yeah ive tried burns cuts bruises hitting all of that and none of it works. it just makes you feel worse... but i suppose it makes you feel justified for feeling bad and for that i will continue to do it. its good to have some vindication.

ive contemplated suicide on many occasions but have never had the cojones to go through with it entirely. which worsens the feelings i suppose. and as good as it feels to write this down here it still feels shit that the aforementioned friends might read it and think aawwwww or something else that equates to pity. i dont want to be pitied or sympathised with or told that itll pass and i'll help you through it because it doesnt work like that. not to me anyway. words are the biggest faux pas of the human parasite. they are empty and meaningless despite whatever context you throw in there

it fucking hurts and i dont like it. im sick of feeling this way its always the same. once, about 3 years ago i was out drinking and left the pizza place we were in across to the park and just sat there and cried like a fucking pussy about everything that was making me feel bad, and ive not cried since and that, THAT makes me feel worse of all. i want to feel something other than this fucking bullshit but no that i cant. even hurting myself doesnt bring a tear to my eye anymore. its fucking bullshit.

this wasnt as cleansing or refreshing as i thought it would be. ignore this.

suicide

2007-03-16T15:09:00.000-07:00

why does it seem so logical. the perfect solution?
if it works i'll be free of the pain, the overwhleming sadness, free of this life forever
and if it doesn't
maybe someone will acutally notice that i'm dying inside everyday, that i need help.
so wheres the catch?
win win right?
i know i'm a selfish, evil person for thinking of doing this to those i love but i'm just not strong enough. i've already started making plans.
so tell me, when is it too late to be saved?

Danger

2007-03-16T13:44:00.000-07:00

As i walked home yesterday a guy and his girl walked past me. i thought i heard him mumble something, of this i cant be sure, but it ate and ate and ate away at me as i walked home. at the time i said nothing and walked away because i was fairly sure that what he said wasnt about me, and most probably just talking to his girl, maybe about someone else, but the more i dwelled the more i became sure he had insulted me. i got home in a rage, sat down, tried to calm myself. i took some of my anger medication, prescribed to stop trouble like this. i sat and sat and got angrier and angrier, until i knew that if i didnt go back and find him it would drive me insane. i grabbed my knife and went out to find him. i couldnt, i dont know what i would have done if i did, i like to believe that i would have given him a stern talking to, but i feel that this may not have been the case.

depressed?

2007-03-16T07:32:00.000-07:00

if my class notes are anything to go by, then a person can be diagnosed with depression if they suffer with a sad, depressed mood for over 2 weeks and at least 4 of the following:
1. loss of interest and pleasure in usual activites (check)
2. negative self concept, feelings of worthlessness and guilt (check)
3. difficulty in concentrating (check)
4. recurrent thoughts of death/sucide (check)
5. difficukty sleeping (check)
6. loss of energy/faitgue (check)
7. poor appetite & weightloss/increase in appetite & weight gain (check)
8. shift in activity, either becoming lethargic of agitated (check)
i've felt all 8, sometimes all at once, usually four at a time, for years.
add to that 4 years of self harm and you have one happy individual.
yet part of me doesn't want help. i couldn't tell you why.
i'm scared to tell anyone. one person knows and they're ok with it. i want people to notice i'm not happy, i want people to care, but i hide it.
i dont know how much longer i can cope like this.
i just don't want to be here any more.

I wish I had a time machine...

2007-03-14T13:19:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder 'what if...'
What if I'd not done that, or chosen not to keep things the way they were? My life would be different, no doubt about it, but good different or bad different? How different? Obviously there's no way of knowing, and I feel guilty for even wondering about it, but I do anyway.
I feel bad for hurting that person, I still remember that look, and even if I was brave enough to say it to their face, they'd shrug it off, pretend it had never even bothered them. I know it did, and I am sorry. But I still wonder if I hadn't been so shallow, how great might it have been?
Sometimes they say things happen for a reason, and it might be true, but I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for the way I handled that situation.
I don't really know why I'm writing this, the person I'm referring to will almost certainly never read it, and even if they did, they'd probably think it was about someone else.
Sometimes I wish I had a time machine...

You're Never Quite Over It

2007-03-14T08:13:00.000-07:00

I thought I was over this.
I thought I could forget, go on with a "normal" life, but I haven't, I can't. But I can't, can I? Whenever my mind is unguarded by other thoughts it pounces on me like a cat and an unsuspecting mouse.
I think i've moved on, but just one stray thought and I'm back there again like it was yesterday, in that awful place masquerading as schoolgirl innocence.
Sometimes I think I don't care about what happened to me, if only I could have saved you. Did you need it? Did I? Do you go about life without a care in the world, cast it off as barely-remembered indiscretion, or does it haunt you? Haunt you like it haunts me? If I heard it did, all my progress would be for naught and I would rid the world of my prescence. Should I have done so already?
My bruises healed years ago, a few days after, even, but not the ones here, in my head, where no one can see. Sitting silent whle the world goes on, not unmarred by my existence.
I know, I think I am pathetic. Like I was then, like I am now. I don't deserve this life and I'm silently screwing it up. Far worse things have happened to other, yet I can't, dare I type the fateful words, "get over it." Perhaps mother is right and I am weak and make everything a drama.
If you could tell me how you feel, maybe the drama would end. Either way.

a perfect wreck

2007-03-13T12:41:00.000-07:00

sorry in avance for a self indulagant rant but its nice to have somewhere to
vent.
why can no-one see how suicidal i am? i hate myself so much, i'm a pathetic, weak person and i can't cope with life.
why? i have no idea. no reason. no justification.
i'm the girl that laughs all day long with her friends
i'm the girl that's everyone's shoulder to cry on
i'm the girl that gets straight a's and ames everyone oh so proud
i'm the girl with friends that are always there- if only i could confide in them
i'm the girl that's got it all and cries herself to sleep, slashes her wrist, OD's, starves
and tells no-one.
slipping. going down.
i can't ask for help
but i can't go on like this much longer

sorry for this whiny, emo crap.

HIV+

2007-03-12T16:38:00.000-07:00

Why do people assume that anyone who is HIV+ in this country is so because they sleep around, or forgot the condom? It's not always their fault. I know a man who is now gonna die from this illness because he was raped. His fault? NO. God, why are people so quick to think the worst of people? Not everyone becomes HIV+ through their own doing. Infected needles can affect nurses and doctors not just people using them for drugs. People can get raped. People have sex with someone and have the condom split. At least they're taking precautions, yet they'll be looked at as scum, or as plain stupid, when this is not the case. People treat HIV+ and AIDS like the plague. Get real.
I hate ignorance. It doesn't take much to be considerate of the individual's situation, now does it?

Money

2007-02-02T04:36:00.000-08:00

almost any job i would do would only be for money, theres almost nothing i want to devote almost all my spare time to, and even if there was i would probably end up getting sick to death of it if i had to do it all day, every day.
who wants to sit in a fucking office all day? almost nobody, but who is going to have to do exactly that to make sure they have enough money to not die? almost everyone.

MySpace and friendship

2007-01-22T11:34:00.000-08:00

It's lovely to know that people who are supposed to be my friends are discussing my personal life online where everyone can see. At least before I could just have nothing to do with the stupid site and let people get on with their stupid bitching and gossiping to fill their own pathetic lives. I mean, this person asks me something, I refuse to tell her for a good reason and would appreciate it if she'd respect my privacy, not just think it's ok to go and ask someone else via a public comment on a public Myspace profile. Pretty much the cheapest manner I can think of. Why must we all be dragged into this fucking world of shit online characters people create for themselves? Just proves that all my life is to her is something to gossip about.

Love...again

2007-01-04T05:06:00.000-08:00

When you have it, you can't get enough of it and you relate to everything. When it's falling apart right in front of you, it's like a plague you can't get away from. Like someone's house alarm going off, and you have no choice but to cover your ears with a pillow until it's safe to come out again. Except with love, it never will go away. To get your mind off it, you pick up a book and read for hours, but no, there it is. The book gets romantic. You put your favourite film on - well, actually this doesn't really apply to me because Ghost World and Withnail and I have not a trace of romance in - but the majority of films end with a good long kiss and of course we don't mind this at all, because the characters are happy and it's heart warming, isn't it? Fucking lovely. What happens after that though? Do the characters not have to live with each other after that? Do they not have to face relationship problems? There is actually nothing I hate more than seeing people kiss on TV. In any situation. It makes you miss the one you're with and it makes you miss being with anyone at all.

Fuck!

2006-12-30T05:18:00.000-08:00

Why, why why why why why why why do all the best, most beautiful, easy to get along with, intelligent, perfect girls always have boyfriends???? that may seem pretty self explanatory, since they are very pretty girls and all it stands to reason that they will have lots of attention from guys, what boggles the fucking mind however is that they always always always choose the biggest fucking douchebags on the planet! this is not jealousy talking, this is empirical fact, the biggest knobheads always seem to get the best girls, treat them like shit, yet these girls come back to them again and again and again (which i know kinda rules out my argument of them being "intelligent). If the girls would stop fucking these douchebags then maybe they will change their ways, or at the very least they wont breed, but in all likelihood this trend will not stop, gd knows its been continuing for long enough now. Hah, ive just cheered myself up with a lovely thought of a lovely girl who i love a lot, and who perhaps might make me very happy indeed, maybe theres hope yet...!

Nothing

2006-12-27T12:14:00.000-08:00

I was actually planning to do a blog along the lines of " i hate everything", but someone beat me to it, its definitely that time of year, with all this good will and whatnot.

I was going to do the hate everything blog, but i thought, it seems like a bit of a teenager-ish thing to do, at second glance however, no, sometimes you never grow out of hating everything. theres someone i truly wish was dead, its not like " i hate her, i want her to die", i dont think that truly is wishing someone was dead. i want her to die to make my life easier, and i have absolutely no shame in feeling this. nor any guilt would i have if this coincidentally occured. you can say that im a bastard, or whatever you like(not so useful thanks to the wonders of anonymity), but you know that at one point or another there have been people that you wanted dead, you just did not tell anyone, or maybe you denied it to yourself for one reason or another. it wont happen but its one of the only things that makes me feel better.

sometimes i truly believe that the only reason i am alive is because of music, when there is no-one there, or even sometimes when there is.

i hate..

2006-12-27T05:11:00.000-08:00

i hate people who seek attention.
i hate people who are selfish.
i hate people who pretend to care but actually don't give a shit, why bother pretending?
i hate christmas. well actually, i don't, but i hate all the expectations.
i hate when one of the people you would expect to be there for you just isn't, because they're being selfish.
(just to make it clear, this isn't me attacking this blog by saying i hate attention seekers)

I don't get it

2006-12-26T05:19:00.000-08:00

Why are people so scared, so ashamed of being alone. At Christmas time, when there are dozens of family members, relatives you never see until this time of year, people you genuinely dislike, I can't think of a better prospect than to sit outside my house with a smoke and a beer and just collect my thoughts by myself.

I get lonely sometimes, human nature I suppose. It gets easier with each passing year of solitude; if you learn to appreciate the loneliness and not revile it, things are so much better.

Thank God Christmas is over, at least for another year.

Communication Breakdown

2006-12-24T11:10:00.000-08:00

Been seeing a friend of a friend for a month or 2 recentely, things were going well to the extent that i was going to ask her out(absolute financial idiocy so close to Christmas) a couple of weeks back, but she didn't come out as she was going away early the next morning, so well, i didn't ask. Then over the course of the next week i start to get an inkling that there's something different, her texts just seem to have taken on a different format and tone, notably a lack of the usual constant statements that she is missing me.
Anyway, Thursday comes and i arrange, last minute of course, for everyone to go out for some merry pre-christmas drinks. Text her, instant reply that she is feeling under the weather and wont make it. Already having my doubts about where everything is going i reply asking if everything is alright, and clearly suggest i mean between us, but the reply to that comes as pretty much a repeat of the previous one syaingt hat hse is good but just under the weather. So i go out and have a relatively good time, limited more by the fact the club was shut off for the most part due to an unders function for a school (crazy) i stayed with a good friend of hers that night and explained my concerns but he said not to worry and that things will be fine. So the next day comes, Friday, as in a few days ago, and the usual group of Friday drunks are heading out to their usual haunt, this being where i first met said girl. So around 5 i text her informing her of the plans and asking if she'l be in attendance, no reply...later around 8 when i arrive it becomes apparent the friday drunks ar elimite din number this week, namely there's myself, the young man who is also friends with the young girl and another male of the usual group who has brought along 2 girls, one of whom he is romantically involved with. So the night goes on and the reply doesn't come and the drinks are poured and the girl across the table begins to look more attractive by the drink. So i end up kissing her, which isn;t the most sensible thing to do in front of the girl that you're into's good friend, but at this stage i was convinced everything had gone to pot between us, still, i talked to the friend, saying i felt bad but that 'she' was being a 'c*nt' probably not the best word choice, but he agreed with me then left, and now it is Sunday night at 19:27 a mere 50 hours and 27 minutes since my last text to her and no reply. I have 2 problems with this situation, one being that over the past 2 months or so i've grown increasingly more attracted to her to the extent that the prospect of there no longer being anything really pains me, and secondly it really dissapoints me that if there is nothing there she feels that the best way to deal with it is to just cut off communication without a word. The small irony of the situation is that had you looked at us a month back, she was clearly the more interested party and it's now almost as if roles have reversed. The only explanations i can come up for for things being how they are are that either she has met some other guy or she is annoyed that i didn't ask her out earlier when to be honest it seemed right and i should have. Failing those two, she's been abducted by Aliens and they've left her phone behind. I'm wary of contacting her again first as if things are over then i don't want to be that guy that wont leave it alone. guess i have to go smile that it's christmas in a few hours...

Nothing fits

2006-12-07T14:42:00.000-08:00

I chicken out of cutting myself... I've done it before and still have scars on my right and left shoulders (left not so much). I can't go too deep. It's the blood, it's too messy. I've tried beating myself up - literally hitting myself in the face, but same story; something's always holding me back from following through on breaking my nose. This time, I want to see blood, I want to see myself damaged.

The day after, there are bags under my eyes from not sleeping, and I've got a fat lip, but nothing else. No black eyes, no bloody nose, no scratches. I don't know why I need that; I suppose it's the same with the scars. I've done this to myself. I've hit rock bottom. Me.

Blood free is matches. I light them and stub them out... upper arm and the back of my hand. I tried on my wrist and it really hurt this time. It was burning for over 10 seconds, really searing, and I look down and see the match is still lit. The blister is a giant welt on my wrist.

I don't know why I'm writing all this down. I'm not ashamed, though I know I should be. I just want to feel something. That's not too much to ask? I'm sick of just being void.

people!

2006-12-07T08:41:00.000-08:00

you know sometimes, when someone does something and you just KNOW they're only doing it because they think they should? not because they actually want to? like they're waiting for something better to happen/come along? well that really pisses me off.
i know it's none of my business; apart from the fact that in the end, this friend/family member/whatever will end up getting hurt, and i care about them, but i can't help it getting to me. maybe i have one of those obssessive personalities. i do like everything to be perfect sometimes. but i just can't understand why people would lie to themselves. i mean, it's themselves!
just a little rant.

It's that time honoured feeling

2006-12-06T17:09:00.000-08:00

I just feel so desolate, I guess that's all I really have to say. It's tough trying to work out what you want to be as it is, but the older you get the less likely you are to achieving what you really want and so feel the need to settle. I know what I want to be, but it's always changing. A year ago, I wanted to be a professional musician. Nowadays, I want something different, although equally as creative.

It's those creative things that are frowned upon by parents and friends. It's all "that's very nice, but what about a real job?" That's not as annoying as I make it out to be, but it is disheartening. At first you want to prove them all wrong, but the more they disapprove or doubt the more the disapproval and doubt sets in within yourself and you start to look upon a middle management career as a realistic prospect - the best you're going to get.

Course, what's really annoying me is that I can't even go up to Amy, who I saw tonight along with my friends in the bar, and tell her I like her. All our conversations were orchestrated by her - way to come off as uninterested. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I'm doubtful going to see her now before the new term, this horrible Christmas loneliness business to now look forward to.

It just seems to me as though everything is going to shit.

Love

2006-12-06T04:46:00.000-08:00

Theres no such thing as Love. no, shut up, fuck off, its true. well actually i disagree, yes there is love, you can love something, you can be loved, im talking about the fairytale, "In Love" deal. Falling in Love, Love at first sight, etc.

It doesnt exist, anyone who tells you they experienced it is lying, most relationships these days start out disgracefully anyway, and hardly romantically. You might fuck someone after meeting them at a nightclub for instance, now this to me does not seem like the makings of a true love fairytale. In probably 99% of relationships i see the couple will spend a couple of months together, enjoy the sex immensely, and then say that they are "deeply in love" and are "meant for each other" and "will be together forever", its an absolute pile of shite. they wont. in most cases they wont last a few months, and will probably end up fucking the friends of the person they were "so madly in love with" before the year is out. You know its true, and i know you have seen it too. Really magical and romantic.

I bet you are thinking "oh fuck off, you are probably a loser who has never had a real intimate relationship", this isnt true, far from it. i know exactly what it takes to make a real relationship work, and i can always see when two people arent right for each other, and will end up in disaster. as for True Love, it does not exist, theres nothing else to it. the best, the absolute best you can hope for is to spend your time with someone you mostly agree with, who doesnt annoy you to tears and who is not selfish. thats an important one.

If you do happen to believe in true love, and this belief makes you happy then great. however it is no different from the happiness that a christian gets from believing in god or jesus, as it is a happiness gained from a belief of something that does not exist.

One final note, if you are in a relationship and are planning on staying in it for a long time (i mean a long time, with houses and babies and all that garbage) then just make sure, make sure without a shadow of a doubt that this person will not -

A. Fuck you over
B. Get bored
Or
C. Become unbearable to live with

If you knew this person before you "fell in love" with them, remember every bad thing they did, every circumstance where they were a cunt or a bitch, and then think why the hell wouldnt they do that to you. Honestly, they probably will one day. Theres your True Love.

From the Ether

2006-12-05T16:41:00.000-08:00

Hi. Welcome to the From The Ether project.

FTE was set up as a community in order to help people say what they really want to say; this blog is, in theory, a no-holds-barred collection of thoughts from people who didn't want to talk to anyone else.

As the webmaster, I've often felt confused or in need to unburdening my feelings and felt that there was no one to listen to me; however, writing down all the stuff I didn't want to talk about in person to someone I felt would judge me or feel pity or something actually helped. I wanted to bring that to people who didn't know such a thing.

Course, I'm not saying it's a cure for bad feelings or will change your life - feelings are different for everyone and anyone. Those people who do feel this way though are free to use the blog in any way they want.

So, what do you do?

This blog isn't about me, it's entirely communal. It was set up with an email address that I'll never check, and the username and password to this blog will be made available to all. The idea is, if you want to use it, you log in to blogger and just write whatever you want to; angry, sad, happy, jealous, hurt... you can write whatever you want no one else to know. Because it's all coming from one account, it's entirely as anonymous as you want. I'll never know who's posting what, and neither will anyone who reads the blog.

Comments from other bloggers are welcome, but if you do feel you have to comment, make it helpful or constructive, yeah?

The details you need are as follows. To log into the blog, go to Blogger, and type in the username (fromtheether@hotmail.co.uk) and password (temple360), and then click create new post. Write what you want to write (no limits), click publish. It's as simple as. No rules, no regulations, just whatever you want to write. It's up to you.

Thanks for reading, hope it helps.

Cos Ryan.