Errors.

I am one of those people who think they can never do wrong, they rarely make any mistakes, and they think they know what is best in every situation and how to deal with people.
Mostly, HAHA, I think I can say that is true.
But lately I have done all the possible mistakes one can do in a relationship and I do not know can I do anything to help the situation or will everything what I say or do from now on just make things worse.
It does not help that the other person is not really well.

People are eager to give their two cents about things, and I am not different. My motto is: "do as I say, not as I do", which basically sums up that I rarely take my own advice, and then just do something stupid.
But I have noticed that I cannot receive anyone's advice now. People say you should do this and this. But they don't know what I know and feel. So fuck it. I can do as I please.
Well-meaning people just sometimes tires me out. I want to be in peace. You cannot cheer me up, I can only do it, if I decide to it, but first I would need to be able to decide that. And I am not capable for that. I am so tired. Mentally and physically. All the time. I have cancelled meetings with my friends because I cannot bear to be with them now. There are only few people who really know what is going on with me, and they do not make feel more pressured about things. I can be as sad as I want to be. I don't need to pretend I can hold myself together if it feels like everything is falling apart.

The evening time is something I always dread. It is the worst time for me. From 10pm to until I am able to finally sleep is just awful for me. That is for several reasons, one being I do not sleep well alone in bed. All the dark thoughts, all the sadness which I have managed to keep in bay during daytime arrives. That has fucked up my sleeping pattern. I stay awake as long as I can, and then sleep until the afternoon, which is not good because I love mornings. The day is still ahead, I have not fucked up anything yet. Tomorrow I luckily have a good reason to get up early otherwise I would sleep all day, and then be miserable when the evening arrives. I hope I could skip sleeping totally, and well skip preferable straight to morning. I have not tried sleeping pills, I eat pills enough already, and I don't think that will help me really. I am not happy at the moment, one can say is people ever happy, but I have been happy, and now I am just sad all the time. I am saying to myself every day that I get through this, I get through this, I must just be strong, and eventually all will be better.

It is just so damn hard, and I don't know can I trust myself to hang in here.And don't anyone say to me be glad of sunshine or something like that. I don't fucking need that kind of bullshit caring.
I am going to now try to get sleep, which might not happen easily so the long hours of night are ahead before is morning. I hate this.
I so hate this.