Errors.

I am one of those people who think they can never do wrong, they rarely make any mistakes, and they think they know what is best in every situation and how to deal with people.
Mostly, HAHA, I think I can say that is true.
But lately I have done all the possible mistakes one can do in a relationship and I do not know can I do anything to help the situation or will everything what I say or do from now on just make things worse.
It does not help that the other person is not really well.

People are eager to give their two cents about things, and I am not different. My motto is: "do as I say, not as I do", which basically sums up that I rarely take my own advice, and then just do something stupid.
But I have noticed that I cannot receive anyone's advice now. People say you should do this and this. But they don't know what I know and feel. So fuck it. I can do as I please.
Well-meaning people just sometimes tires me out. I want to be in peace. You cannot cheer me up, I can only do it, if I decide to it, but first I would need to be able to decide that. And I am not capable for that. I am so tired. Mentally and physically. All the time. I have cancelled meetings with my friends because I cannot bear to be with them now. There are only few people who really know what is going on with me, and they do not make feel more pressured about things. I can be as sad as I want to be. I don't need to pretend I can hold myself together if it feels like everything is falling apart.

The evening time is something I always dread. It is the worst time for me. From 10pm to until I am able to finally sleep is just awful for me. That is for several reasons, one being I do not sleep well alone in bed. All the dark thoughts, all the sadness which I have managed to keep in bay during daytime arrives. That has fucked up my sleeping pattern. I stay awake as long as I can, and then sleep until the afternoon, which is not good because I love mornings. The day is still ahead, I have not fucked up anything yet. Tomorrow I luckily have a good reason to get up early otherwise I would sleep all day, and then be miserable when the evening arrives. I hope I could skip sleeping totally, and well skip preferable straight to morning. I have not tried sleeping pills, I eat pills enough already, and I don't think that will help me really. I am not happy at the moment, one can say is people ever happy, but I have been happy, and now I am just sad all the time. I am saying to myself every day that I get through this, I get through this, I must just be strong, and eventually all will be better.

It is just so damn hard, and I don't know can I trust myself to hang in here.And don't anyone say to me be glad of sunshine or something like that. I don't fucking need that kind of bullshit caring.
I am going to now try to get sleep, which might not happen easily so the long hours of night are ahead before is morning. I hate this.
I so hate this.

On Psychology

I called in sick to work today. I really didn't want, nor did I mean to. I woke up fine and dandy at 6am, giving me ample time to get ready, but I then fell back to sleep and didn't wake up until there was five minutes to go before my shift started. My sleeping patterns have been horrendously varied recently, and I don't like that. I called into work telling them I'd be around an hour late, but on reflection decided I couldn't really do a day's work in the mind-frame I was in, so I called back - this time getting through to my Manager- and told him that due to food poisoning I would fail to make an appearance.

I called the doctors' as soon as I'd put the phone down on my Manager. I don't know why it dawned on me today, but I decided that enough was enough. The lady on the reception at the doctors' kept me on hold for 12 minutes before telling me that in order to book an appointment for tomorrow or Wednesday (my days off this week) I'd need to call up on the same day to book an appointment. I hung up. Being prepared for tomorrow or Wednesday was fine, but going to this appointment was a big deal for me, and I didn't think I'd be fully ready today. Instead I went into town.

I had no agenda in town whatsoever; I had no need nor reason to be there, and meandered aimlessly, hitting McDonald's for lunch I can't really afford, and then various banks for personal loans (money worries - I have now reached the stage where I'm in a new house without having paid the deposit or first rent payment), and then the bus back. It was on the way, or maybe beforehand, I can't remember, that I decided that - fuck it - I was going to go to the doctors'.

I went in and made the appointment 45 minutes in advance. I went to the churchyard that had seated my behind on many occasions during my friendship with [Insert Friend Name X], and sat there and smoked and sent various messages to Sarah. I went back in to wait for my appointment and waited for what seemed like an hour. It was more like 8 minutes, but I was as nervous as hell.

For those of you who know me, or have talked to me at length, you'll know that my personality flickers between "alright" and "utter hopeless." I get really intense downers that leave me drained and thoroughly unhappy, and I've been a self harmer for around six years, which is when I can remember and attribute the badness starting. This has generally been your common or garden cutting of the flesh, which has been based mainly on my left forearm, and my right and left shoulders. Recently, however, I have been scraping my hands on walls to draw blood, and have, in the past, burned myself on matches. I actually went to hospital last week on fear of a broken metacarpal when I punched the wall in frustration. I'd merely bruised it, but my middle right knuckle is still a lot larger and squishier than I would like it to be.

Upon my mother's recommendation (she is a sufferer of depression) I went to see a doctor back in 2004, who most helpfully told me to get out more and make new friends. This, of course, made me feel worse. But anyway, it was that first doctor who first put me off seeing medical practitioners at all. Subsequent trips about various other ills have proved just as fruitless, and the medical practitioners in question equally as - in my humble opinion of course - incompetent.

I don't know why now, but I went for it anyway. The doctor asked me questions about how I was feeling, and based on the results I apparently rank quite highly in the depressive stakes. She diagnosed me with depression and recommended both chemical and cognitive therapy. I sit at my computer now with a box of citalopram at my side, and an order to go back when they're done to discuss counselling, which they're to give me for free.

I'm not sure where I stand on either result. The pills... I'm really rather wary of them, despite my readiness to purchase them at £7.10. The side effects are slightly horrifying, and the fact that they will, without doubt, change my neurochemistry and as such myself as a person does put me off a little. The counselling I'm simply not a fan of. I'm sure it helps some people, but I can't see it helping me. I'm a private individual, despite the blog here, and talking face to face to someone about my inner workings sounds like neither fun nor games. I'm really not sure what to do.

You know, I thought that once I'd been told it was definite, that I actually suffered from clinical depression after years of assumption and speculation, that I would actually feel something, like relief or sadness or resignation or something. I don't feel anything. Now, however, I have a choice.

Confused

I am in a relationship and have been for two years.
I love this relationship, I love him.
But we both suffer from depression etc.
And this means I am pushing him away and he is becoming clingy.
It isn't a good combination.
I wish I didn't push him away.
But I am sick of hurting him.
Oops.
I lie to him about how I feel.
I get easily fustrated when he tells me how he feels, because sometimes I don't understand it.
But that isn't his fault.
The more depressed I feel the more bitchy I am to him.
I am sick of being a moody, bitchy person.
I am sick of feeling so low and taking it out on others.
But I don't know how to change.
It scares me.

Why?

Why has this site not been used since last year?
I don't get that.
This site helped me a lot when I posted it, and it's sad that no one used it anymore.
Has no one got anything to say?
I doubt that very much.
I know that I want to just scream that I'm not okay.
I want to smash things, throw things, scream and rant.
But I can't.
So maybe this can be my refuge again.
So, I welcome myself back.
And I doubt this will even be read.

One thing I should learn:

Never argue about anything of importance with the step parent. Cos he makes all my opinions sound like they are incorrect and he cannot even comprehend the fact that I may have more knowledge of a subject than he does. He never accepts that my opinions may be valid, and yet the things he say anger me so much that I feel I have to argue back. Arguments with him make me feel so shit.
ARGH.

hmmm

This isn't meant to be secret or anything, I've just been thinking about some stuff and I don't think it's anything I could ever come to a conclusion about, I just wanted to write it down.
I've never been one for worrying, really, I mean, I'm young, what does it matter? And I've never been the kind of person who could be swayed from what they wanted to do by other people, especially when it's clear the other people aren't entirely... sane? (I can't think of a better word, I don't actually know anyone who is truly insane!)
I'm just amazed at how people who have so much in common, or at least did at one point, can have such a different outlook on life. And why someone who, to me at least, has no reason to be so insecure, is.
It really gets to me. I know, I know, it's not me, but it's people I care about, and I just don't understand how they can think what they're doing is normal and they're actually gonna end up happy. Don't get me wrong, I hope they are, I just can't see it coming..
Whoever's reading this might just think I should mind my own business, but I care about these people, they're my friends, and sorry to sound selfish, but they WILL expect me to be there to pick up the pieces when it all goes wrong yet again, and sometimes I just think 'why should I?' I know that's horrible, and I would always be there, I just wish people would sometimes listen to their friends or family, or whoever it is, just take it into the smallest consideration?
Enjoy yourself while you're young, life's much too short.

I Quit!

Fuck it! Its as simple as just not doing anything, its as easy as quitting, thats exactly what it is, its something i hate, something i despise, something that makes me miserable, so no qualms about quitting. I have no money, no job lined up, no place to live and no people to not live there with, i have really strong feelings for someone who has really strong feelings for me (confirmed) but nothing can ever happens for reasons ridiculous (confirmed). Im unhappy, really really stay in bed and cry unhappy, yet just quitting fills me with relief, its freedom of a sort, the change from having no control over your days to being in control of your choices. I truly couldnt give a flying ducky towards the obvious problems that it will cause in the long term because right now im happy that i am quitting. For so long i didnt even see that there was an option, but now its blindingly clear. and i am happy. i havent felt happiness for a long time.

I quit!