Stuck

I have a faint idea of what I want to do in life. The problem: parents. They'd rather I didn't go abroad because I should be paying for my keep rather than a gap year. They don't want me to volunteer even though it could be a way into the job I want. And yet they don't have a problem with me going to uni and accumulating loads of debt. WHAT THE FUCK? I'm so sick of my money orientated family. To them it doesn't matter whether I'm happy or not in what I do as long as it pays well.
So what do I do?
I have no support at all, very little motivation to even get out of bed never mind plan how to convince my family that money isn't the only important thing in life.
Am I so selfish for wanting a job I'd enjoy? According to the family, yes. Is it selfish for them to want me to give up going abroad and volunteering either abroad or here so I can pay my keep? To them, no it's not. To me, it is, cos I'd pay my keep anyway. But to them, charity begins at home so I shouldn't bother volunteering even though it's what I want to do.
So I'll give up what I want to do. Cos clearly I'm selfish and need to sacrifice my happiness so mum can get a few more quid a week.
Fuckin hell.

i'm still here

i have no idea why i'm writing this but i needed it to be...somewhere.
i was planning on killing myself tommorrow.
i had everything sorted out, every detail down to what i'd wear planned and something stupid, trivial made me change my mind. made me decide to hang on a little longer.
things are no better, i'm not happy all of a sudden but i'm not going to die tommorrow and i thought that needed recording somewhere because no-one has any idea i'm suicidal. dying inside and fighting so hard to still be here. i feel so so alone but i'm trying.
that's it really. writing an anonymous message to no-one in particular and not needing any replies or anything, just to say. i'm alive, even if i don't want to be.

See

the reason i dont talk about my problems to anyone is because no one has any real advice to give me that isnt ridiculous cliched bullshit about how i should get over it and i have no reason to be unhappy and life is for living; alternatively there are those who just smile and touch my shoulder and say awwww and hope that that is enough to make me forget my self involved bullshit and go on to lead a very happy life thank you very much have a nice day.

truth is its all bollocks. of course i have no reason to be unhappy. i live an alright life, have some amazing friends, manage, etc.

and self harm's all bullshit anyway, it doesnt make you feel better it just makes you think shit im bleeding which is rubbish. and yeah ive tried burns cuts bruises hitting all of that and none of it works. it just makes you feel worse... but i suppose it makes you feel justified for feeling bad and for that i will continue to do it. its good to have some vindication.

ive contemplated suicide on many occasions but have never had the cojones to go through with it entirely. which worsens the feelings i suppose. and as good as it feels to write this down here it still feels shit that the aforementioned friends might read it and think aawwwww or something else that equates to pity. i dont want to be pitied or sympathised with or told that itll pass and i'll help you through it because it doesnt work like that. not to me anyway. words are the biggest faux pas of the human parasite. they are empty and meaningless despite whatever context you throw in there

it fucking hurts and i dont like it. im sick of feeling this way its always the same. once, about 3 years ago i was out drinking and left the pizza place we were in across to the park and just sat there and cried like a fucking pussy about everything that was making me feel bad, and ive not cried since and that, THAT makes me feel worse of all. i want to feel something other than this fucking bullshit but no that i cant. even hurting myself doesnt bring a tear to my eye anymore. its fucking bullshit.

this wasnt as cleansing or refreshing as i thought it would be. ignore this.

suicide

why does it seem so logical. the perfect solution?
if it works i'll be free of the pain, the overwhleming sadness, free of this life forever
and if it doesn't
maybe someone will acutally notice that i'm dying inside everyday, that i need help.
so wheres the catch?
win win right?
i know i'm a selfish, evil person for thinking of doing this to those i love but i'm just not strong enough. i've already started making plans.
so tell me, when is it too late to be saved?

Danger

As i walked home yesterday a guy and his girl walked past me. i thought i heard him mumble something, of this i cant be sure, but it ate and ate and ate away at me as i walked home. at the time i said nothing and walked away because i was fairly sure that what he said wasnt about me, and most probably just talking to his girl, maybe about someone else, but the more i dwelled the more i became sure he had insulted me. i got home in a rage, sat down, tried to calm myself. i took some of my anger medication, prescribed to stop trouble like this. i sat and sat and got angrier and angrier, until i knew that if i didnt go back and find him it would drive me insane. i grabbed my knife and went out to find him. i couldnt, i dont know what i would have done if i did, i like to believe that i would have given him a stern talking to, but i feel that this may not have been the case.

depressed?

if my class notes are anything to go by, then a person can be diagnosed with depression if they suffer with a sad, depressed mood for over 2 weeks and at least 4 of the following:
1. loss of interest and pleasure in usual activites (check)
2. negative self concept, feelings of worthlessness and guilt (check)
3. difficulty in concentrating (check)
4. recurrent thoughts of death/sucide (check)
5. difficukty sleeping (check)
6. loss of energy/faitgue (check)
7. poor appetite & weightloss/increase in appetite & weight gain (check)
8. shift in activity, either becoming lethargic of agitated (check)
i've felt all 8, sometimes all at once, usually four at a time, for years.
add to that 4 years of self harm and you have one happy individual.
yet part of me doesn't want help. i couldn't tell you why.
i'm scared to tell anyone. one person knows and they're ok with it. i want people to notice i'm not happy, i want people to care, but i hide it.
i dont know how much longer i can cope like this.
i just don't want to be here any more.

I wish I had a time machine...

Sometimes I wonder 'what if...'
What if I'd not done that, or chosen not to keep things the way they were? My life would be different, no doubt about it, but good different or bad different? How different? Obviously there's no way of knowing, and I feel guilty for even wondering about it, but I do anyway.
I feel bad for hurting that person, I still remember that look, and even if I was brave enough to say it to their face, they'd shrug it off, pretend it had never even bothered them. I know it did, and I am sorry. But I still wonder if I hadn't been so shallow, how great might it have been?
Sometimes they say things happen for a reason, and it might be true, but I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for the way I handled that situation.
I don't really know why I'm writing this, the person I'm referring to will almost certainly never read it, and even if they did, they'd probably think it was about someone else.
Sometimes I wish I had a time machine...

You're Never Quite Over It

I thought I was over this.
I thought I could forget, go on with a "normal" life, but I haven't, I can't. But I can't, can I? Whenever my mind is unguarded by other thoughts it pounces on me like a cat and an unsuspecting mouse.
I think i've moved on, but just one stray thought and I'm back there again like it was yesterday, in that awful place masquerading as schoolgirl innocence.
Sometimes I think I don't care about what happened to me, if only I could have saved you. Did you need it? Did I? Do you go about life without a care in the world, cast it off as barely-remembered indiscretion, or does it haunt you? Haunt you like it haunts me? If I heard it did, all my progress would be for naught and I would rid the world of my prescence. Should I have done so already?
My bruises healed years ago, a few days after, even, but not the ones here, in my head, where no one can see. Sitting silent whle the world goes on, not unmarred by my existence.
I know, I think I am pathetic. Like I was then, like I am now. I don't deserve this life and I'm silently screwing it up. Far worse things have happened to other, yet I can't, dare I type the fateful words, "get over it." Perhaps mother is right and I am weak and make everything a drama.
If you could tell me how you feel, maybe the drama would end. Either way.

a perfect wreck

sorry in avance for a self indulagant rant but its nice to have somewhere to
vent.
why can no-one see how suicidal i am? i hate myself so much, i'm a pathetic, weak person and i can't cope with life.
why? i have no idea. no reason. no justification.
i'm the girl that laughs all day long with her friends
i'm the girl that's everyone's shoulder to cry on
i'm the girl that gets straight a's and ames everyone oh so proud
i'm the girl with friends that are always there- if only i could confide in them
i'm the girl that's got it all and cries herself to sleep, slashes her wrist, OD's, starves
and tells no-one.
slipping. going down.
i can't ask for help
but i can't go on like this much longer

sorry for this whiny, emo crap.

HIV+

Why do people assume that anyone who is HIV+ in this country is so because they sleep around, or forgot the condom? It's not always their fault. I know a man who is now gonna die from this illness because he was raped. His fault? NO. God, why are people so quick to think the worst of people? Not everyone becomes HIV+ through their own doing. Infected needles can affect nurses and doctors not just people using them for drugs. People can get raped. People have sex with someone and have the condom split. At least they're taking precautions, yet they'll be looked at as scum, or as plain stupid, when this is not the case. People treat HIV+ and AIDS like the plague. Get real.
I hate ignorance. It doesn't take much to be considerate of the individual's situation, now does it?