Fuck!

Why, why why why why why why why do all the best, most beautiful, easy to get along with, intelligent, perfect girls always have boyfriends???? that may seem pretty self explanatory, since they are very pretty girls and all it stands to reason that they will have lots of attention from guys, what boggles the fucking mind however is that they always always always choose the biggest fucking douchebags on the planet! this is not jealousy talking, this is empirical fact, the biggest knobheads always seem to get the best girls, treat them like shit, yet these girls come back to them again and again and again (which i know kinda rules out my argument of them being "intelligent). If the girls would stop fucking these douchebags then maybe they will change their ways, or at the very least they wont breed, but in all likelihood this trend will not stop, gd knows its been continuing for long enough now. Hah, ive just cheered myself up with a lovely thought of a lovely girl who i love a lot, and who perhaps might make me very happy indeed, maybe theres hope yet...!

Nothing

I was actually planning to do a blog along the lines of " i hate everything", but someone beat me to it, its definitely that time of year, with all this good will and whatnot.

I was going to do the hate everything blog, but i thought, it seems like a bit of a teenager-ish thing to do, at second glance however, no, sometimes you never grow out of hating everything. theres someone i truly wish was dead, its not like " i hate her, i want her to die", i dont think that truly is wishing someone was dead. i want her to die to make my life easier, and i have absolutely no shame in feeling this. nor any guilt would i have if this coincidentally occured. you can say that im a bastard, or whatever you like(not so useful thanks to the wonders of anonymity), but you know that at one point or another there have been people that you wanted dead, you just did not tell anyone, or maybe you denied it to yourself for one reason or another. it wont happen but its one of the only things that makes me feel better.

sometimes i truly believe that the only reason i am alive is because of music, when there is no-one there, or even sometimes when there is.

i hate..

i hate people who seek attention.
i hate people who are selfish.
i hate people who pretend to care but actually don't give a shit, why bother pretending?
i hate christmas. well actually, i don't, but i hate all the expectations.
i hate when one of the people you would expect to be there for you just isn't, because they're being selfish.
(just to make it clear, this isn't me attacking this blog by saying i hate attention seekers)

I don't get it

Why are people so scared, so ashamed of being alone. At Christmas time, when there are dozens of family members, relatives you never see until this time of year, people you genuinely dislike, I can't think of a better prospect than to sit outside my house with a smoke and a beer and just collect my thoughts by myself.

I get lonely sometimes, human nature I suppose. It gets easier with each passing year of solitude; if you learn to appreciate the loneliness and not revile it, things are so much better.

Thank God Christmas is over, at least for another year.

Communication Breakdown

Been seeing a friend of a friend for a month or 2 recentely, things were going well to the extent that i was going to ask her out(absolute financial idiocy so close to Christmas) a couple of weeks back, but she didn't come out as she was going away early the next morning, so well, i didn't ask. Then over the course of the next week i start to get an inkling that there's something different, her texts just seem to have taken on a different format and tone, notably a lack of the usual constant statements that she is missing me.
Anyway, Thursday comes and i arrange, last minute of course, for everyone to go out for some merry pre-christmas drinks. Text her, instant reply that she is feeling under the weather and wont make it. Already having my doubts about where everything is going i reply asking if everything is alright, and clearly suggest i mean between us, but the reply to that comes as pretty much a repeat of the previous one syaingt hat hse is good but just under the weather. So i go out and have a relatively good time, limited more by the fact the club was shut off for the most part due to an unders function for a school (crazy) i stayed with a good friend of hers that night and explained my concerns but he said not to worry and that things will be fine. So the next day comes, Friday, as in a few days ago, and the usual group of Friday drunks are heading out to their usual haunt, this being where i first met said girl. So around 5 i text her informing her of the plans and asking if she'l be in attendance, no reply...later around 8 when i arrive it becomes apparent the friday drunks ar elimite din number this week, namely there's myself, the young man who is also friends with the young girl and another male of the usual group who has brought along 2 girls, one of whom he is romantically involved with. So the night goes on and the reply doesn't come and the drinks are poured and the girl across the table begins to look more attractive by the drink. So i end up kissing her, which isn;t the most sensible thing to do in front of the girl that you're into's good friend, but at this stage i was convinced everything had gone to pot between us, still, i talked to the friend, saying i felt bad but that 'she' was being a 'c*nt' probably not the best word choice, but he agreed with me then left, and now it is Sunday night at 19:27 a mere 50 hours and 27 minutes since my last text to her and no reply. I have 2 problems with this situation, one being that over the past 2 months or so i've grown increasingly more attracted to her to the extent that the prospect of there no longer being anything really pains me, and secondly it really dissapoints me that if there is nothing there she feels that the best way to deal with it is to just cut off communication without a word. The small irony of the situation is that had you looked at us a month back, she was clearly the more interested party and it's now almost as if roles have reversed. The only explanations i can come up for for things being how they are are that either she has met some other guy or she is annoyed that i didn't ask her out earlier when to be honest it seemed right and i should have. Failing those two, she's been abducted by Aliens and they've left her phone behind. I'm wary of contacting her again first as if things are over then i don't want to be that guy that wont leave it alone. guess i have to go smile that it's christmas in a few hours...

Nothing fits

I chicken out of cutting myself... I've done it before and still have scars on my right and left shoulders (left not so much). I can't go too deep. It's the blood, it's too messy. I've tried beating myself up - literally hitting myself in the face, but same story; something's always holding me back from following through on breaking my nose. This time, I want to see blood, I want to see myself damaged.

The day after, there are bags under my eyes from not sleeping, and I've got a fat lip, but nothing else. No black eyes, no bloody nose, no scratches. I don't know why I need that; I suppose it's the same with the scars. I've done this to myself. I've hit rock bottom. Me.

Blood free is matches. I light them and stub them out... upper arm and the back of my hand. I tried on my wrist and it really hurt this time. It was burning for over 10 seconds, really searing, and I look down and see the match is still lit. The blister is a giant welt on my wrist.

I don't know why I'm writing all this down. I'm not ashamed, though I know I should be. I just want to feel something. That's not too much to ask? I'm sick of just being void.

people!

you know sometimes, when someone does something and you just KNOW they're only doing it because they think they should? not because they actually want to? like they're waiting for something better to happen/come along? well that really pisses me off.
i know it's none of my business; apart from the fact that in the end, this friend/family member/whatever will end up getting hurt, and i care about them, but i can't help it getting to me. maybe i have one of those obssessive personalities. i do like everything to be perfect sometimes. but i just can't understand why people would lie to themselves. i mean, it's themselves!
just a little rant.

It's that time honoured feeling

I just feel so desolate, I guess that's all I really have to say. It's tough trying to work out what you want to be as it is, but the older you get the less likely you are to achieving what you really want and so feel the need to settle. I know what I want to be, but it's always changing. A year ago, I wanted to be a professional musician. Nowadays, I want something different, although equally as creative.

It's those creative things that are frowned upon by parents and friends. It's all "that's very nice, but what about a real job?" That's not as annoying as I make it out to be, but it is disheartening. At first you want to prove them all wrong, but the more they disapprove or doubt the more the disapproval and doubt sets in within yourself and you start to look upon a middle management career as a realistic prospect - the best you're going to get.

Course, what's really annoying me is that I can't even go up to Amy, who I saw tonight along with my friends in the bar, and tell her I like her. All our conversations were orchestrated by her - way to come off as uninterested. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I'm doubtful going to see her now before the new term, this horrible Christmas loneliness business to now look forward to.

It just seems to me as though everything is going to shit.

Love

Theres no such thing as Love. no, shut up, fuck off, its true. well actually i disagree, yes there is love, you can love something, you can be loved, im talking about the fairytale, "In Love" deal. Falling in Love, Love at first sight, etc.

It doesnt exist, anyone who tells you they experienced it is lying, most relationships these days start out disgracefully anyway, and hardly romantically. You might fuck someone after meeting them at a nightclub for instance, now this to me does not seem like the makings of a true love fairytale. In probably 99% of relationships i see the couple will spend a couple of months together, enjoy the sex immensely, and then say that they are "deeply in love" and are "meant for each other" and "will be together forever", its an absolute pile of shite. they wont. in most cases they wont last a few months, and will probably end up fucking the friends of the person they were "so madly in love with" before the year is out. You know its true, and i know you have seen it too. Really magical and romantic.

I bet you are thinking "oh fuck off, you are probably a loser who has never had a real intimate relationship", this isnt true, far from it. i know exactly what it takes to make a real relationship work, and i can always see when two people arent right for each other, and will end up in disaster. as for True Love, it does not exist, theres nothing else to it. the best, the absolute best you can hope for is to spend your time with someone you mostly agree with, who doesnt annoy you to tears and who is not selfish. thats an important one.

If you do happen to believe in true love, and this belief makes you happy then great. however it is no different from the happiness that a christian gets from believing in god or jesus, as it is a happiness gained from a belief of something that does not exist.

One final note, if you are in a relationship and are planning on staying in it for a long time (i mean a long time, with houses and babies and all that garbage) then just make sure, make sure without a shadow of a doubt that this person will not -

A. Fuck you over
B. Get bored
Or
C. Become unbearable to live with

If you knew this person before you "fell in love" with them, remember every bad thing they did, every circumstance where they were a cunt or a bitch, and then think why the hell wouldnt they do that to you. Honestly, they probably will one day. Theres your True Love.

From the Ether

Hi. Welcome to the From The Ether project.

FTE was set up as a community in order to help people say what they really want to say; this blog is, in theory, a no-holds-barred collection of thoughts from people who didn't want to talk to anyone else.

As the webmaster, I've often felt confused or in need to unburdening my feelings and felt that there was no one to listen to me; however, writing down all the stuff I didn't want to talk about in person to someone I felt would judge me or feel pity or something actually helped. I wanted to bring that to people who didn't know such a thing.

Course, I'm not saying it's a cure for bad feelings or will change your life - feelings are different for everyone and anyone. Those people who do feel this way though are free to use the blog in any way they want.

So, what do you do?

This blog isn't about me, it's entirely communal. It was set up with an email address that I'll never check, and the username and password to this blog will be made available to all. The idea is, if you want to use it, you log in to blogger and just write whatever you want to; angry, sad, happy, jealous, hurt... you can write whatever you want no one else to know. Because it's all coming from one account, it's entirely as anonymous as you want. I'll never know who's posting what, and neither will anyone who reads the blog.

Comments from other bloggers are welcome, but if you do feel you have to comment, make it helpful or constructive, yeah?

The details you need are as follows. To log into the blog, go to Blogger, and type in the username (fromtheether@hotmail.co.uk) and password (temple360), and then click create new post. Write what you want to write (no limits), click publish. It's as simple as. No rules, no regulations, just whatever you want to write. It's up to you.

Thanks for reading, hope it helps.

Cos Ryan.